I can’t get to sleep. I’m voice texting this right now so I let it and format in the morning.
I already took my medicine, I want to sleep desperately but I’m afraid. I have a meeting at 9 a.m. And I’m afraid I won’t get up in time. My bladder hurts and I can’t make it stop. Every time I think I’m asleep something jerks me awake. Is it the animals? Is it my bladder? Is it my imaginary restless leg syndrome? Is it the part of my brain that wants to destroy me, the part that I’m trying to fight, it’s like it won’t let me go.
I’m actually afraid to go to bed because I’m afraid I won’t get to sleep. I have medicine that I take along with two Advil and one anxiety medication. Most nights at works but tonight it is not.
I have a dog and a cat in the bed with me. Put the cat I want in the bed with me is not here. I guess it’s okay, but just another excuse for me to not sleep. This really sets me up for a bad day tomorrow if I don’t get to sleep now.
My bladder hurts really bad. So I can pee all night.
I want to cry. I’m sitting here in the dark by myself talking to my phone so I can blog. I’m so tired of being scared nervous anxious whatever you want to call it. I’m so scared of not being Scared nervous anxious whatever you want to call it.
I’m a picker. I find a tiny scab and I work it to death. Something I’m so not proud of. A little scars all over my arms. I Googled it one time and to try to see what to do about it. One person said to find one doesn’t show and make it your friend. I’ve done that quite a few times.
I especially do it at night what I’m trying to get to sleep. It’s like I’m relieving the pressure. Have a place on the bottom of my foot where there’s a bunch of dead skin, like foots get, and I start picking at that. When I realize I do it when I realize I’m doing it I can’t stop. And I tell myself is not going to hurt the next day. But it does. I’ve been doing the foot thing the last few nights. Makes it hard to walk. But when I put on my shoes I don’t notice it much. I don’t usually wear my shoes but I wear them when I mow or when I have to walk to the store.
Look at some cars online today. I have $2,000 that I can put down there’s a $3,900 car and if I put down$2,000, my payments will be less than $100 a month. Of course I start thinking oh yeah I can make double payments or something! And then what happens is I stop paying I I pay late I put myself in a position to be terrified that someone’s going to take it away from me because I don’t deserve it. I guess this is what I’m really worried about. How I don’t deserve a car. How I’m terrified of getting a car again. Steven wants a truck. I do not want a truck and I’m not going to get a truck. But I know that my next car won’t be a beautiful solstice. I hate that. So I’m scared of getting in car because whatever I get Steven won’t like it. And I’m scared of getting a car because I’m afraid Steven will crash it. I can’t go through that again. I can’t go through this again, the being terrified. I need to go out there and see what God has planned for me. God always surprises me with fantastic things.
It’s 2 a.m. Bonkers is here with me. I’m going to play 2048 then go to sleep thanks for listening
EDIT: NEXT DAY – I’m not changing a darn thing about this post. It shows me what a mess I am. I’m going to be listening to motivational messages at night, too.
When I was first getting clean I’d write letters to God at night. That might be a good thing, too.
