Doing it for myself

I’m pretty sure that all my life I’ve done things for approval. I’ve often said “I’m not motivated by money, I’m motivated by recognition”. While that’s true, I always wanted to be Manager of the Year, or whatever. I think, in reality, I’m motivated by getting approval from everyone. Then, at the same time, I’ve been more and more introverted. Tell me THAT makes sense!

When I first got clean, I was told to do a lot of things. Get a sponsor, go to meetings, pray, read literature, talk to another recovering addict. While I’m doing any of those 5 things, I’m not using. It taught me that I can do other things besides use.

Also, I’d found a place where I fit in. If I did these things, people would like me. Not that I changed, but that I didn’t disappoint them. I also got clean to show my dad that it could be done. None of those reasons were for me.

I was watching this video this morning,

and it reminded me of this. I was told 30 yrs ago that I had to “get rid of those old tapes”. That’s exactly what I’m hearing in this video as well. The reason I believed I could stay clean, and that I did stay clean all this time is because my old tapes were written over. I can continue to do that. I can learn and think and feel and believe new things. I can.

I also love this video because not ONCE do they say “get up early! Don’t hit the snooze button!” I don’t know why that drives me crazy, but it does.

I’ll be watching this exact video for the next 7 days. I know I’ll hear something new and important every single day. I know I can write over those old tapes.

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